April - June 2002, Other

Cute Christian Missionaries

By Ibad Ur Rahman

Something happened recently that I want to share with you. What happened was funny, and what happened was also a fun experience. I want to share this fun experience with you, my brothers and sisters, because I think you might gain from it and you might be amused.

I was eating pasta in the college Union and minding my own business. Some people might say I was looking like my “bad version.” lol. My cap was turned backward, and I was wearing an old leather jacket. I had a slightly tense expression, a lot of work it is! I was sitting alone only because I am avoiding my friends these days to get more work done. Well, as I ate my pasta and minding my own business, two girls entered the Union. I thought nothing of it. Two more students to eat and be merry I figured. I guess they were supposed to look like students. I ate by myself for a few more minutes when I became aware that those same two girls were suddenly near my table…. and approaching. I looked up in alarm, a strand of spaghetti hanging from my closed mouth. Actually, the spaghetti hanging from my mouth did not happen, but the idea does sound dramatic.

The two students introduced themselves as… I forgot their names. They asked if I would fill out a survey for them. I thought to myself, “Social Science Scum…no problem, I can deal with that.” No wonder I did not bother to remember their names! However, one of them was from Houston as I recall. “Please have a seat,” I said. “Of course, of course,” I continued.

After the necessary “hellos” and handshakes, they told me that they were interested in having me participate in their survey. Duh. Their survey was about church attendance and religious sentiments, etc. I told them that I was not Christian. They insisted so I decided to proceed with the survey. They asked me some questions at first about my religious feelings and why people should go to church, etc. I answered their questions as best as I could for a while. They then started putting the survey sheet down and their pens.

With a serious look in her eyes, one of the students explained, “We do not wish to preach to you but we do want to express our opinions about something. You see…” This began their process of conversion. Their ultimate goal was to show me the light of Christianity. They wanted to show me that indeed Jesus was God incarnate. You know that God lived and died on the cross for all of mankind. This conversion process would about last half an hour. I must add that all this time both girls were acting strangely “dairy” if you take my meaning. You would not expect these two girls to act as they acted unless I was a very good friend or another girl. Certainly, not a dangerous-looking bearded manlike myself! One was blonde and beautiful. To be very frank, she did not seem very intelligent. The other girl was slightly less beautiful and seemed like an intellectual brunette. They seemed to be a strangely clichéd team. The brunette succeeded more in appearing genuinely friendly. However, the blonde kept looking at my warm, wonderful pasta with “impure looks.” She actually made a few playful swipes at it. She said that it looked “So good.” Perhaps I would be in this state as well, if I had spent my life on a diet. Because I am a gentleman, I invited her to get some cutlery and help herself. At which, thankfully, they both laughed and made no further moves against my pasta. We have all heard these arguments before. The brunette argued that God was completely Just. “We are all sinners so in order to go to heaven God had to sacrifice his one and only Son,” she explained. She also insisted that she believed in one God.

I listened to her. I kindly responded explaining, “God is powerful enough to forgive my sins without slaughtering his son. Jesus is not God. Therefore, you are in fact worshipping three gods. Three cannot possibly equal to one. Please show me where in the Bible Jesus directly says that he is the Son of God. Please explain why the trinity was formulated 300 years after the supposed crucifixion.”

To both questions, she claimed to have an excellent answer. Neither answer was to my satisfaction. The blonde then interceded, Jesus-like, to relieve the brunette. She gave me some verses from the Old Testament, which was not what I had asked for, to tell me that she had many Pakistani friends. Trying to sound playful, I then asked her how many she had managed to convert. At this question, both seemed to mumble something like, “no ..no, I mean…that’s not what we…” I was now smiling as broadly as they had been before. I suppose they took some other meaning from my smile as the blonde kept fixing her jacket and pulling it in front of her. The action was conspicuous. I guess my friends are right. I do look like a dangerous creep. Thanks to Blondie though, I have learned my lesson. I will dress and look decently from now on. In any case, the Blonde One proceeded to inform me, much to my alarm, that one of her Pakistani friends had converted to Christianity.

She continued, “Muslims do not seem to be sure if they are going to Heaven or not, nor are they at peace with themselves.” She beseeched me to “let down my guard to and take in Christ.” At this, I informed her that I disagreed. I explained, “Muslims do have peace. In our little one-room-mosque, three white converts to Islam are completely at peace with Allah. They say that Christianity never gave them that kind of satisfaction.” I also pointed out that many Muslims I know are at peace. At this point, the brunette gave her companion a quick smile… of alarm I hope. I proceeded to tell them that although my sins will probably outnumber my good deeds I believed that God was Merciful enough to let me into heaven if He saw it fit in His mercy. I also told the blonde girl that she should meet some real Muslims and definitely not the kinds of Muslims she had met so far.

At this point, both of them went into ten minutes worth of continuous Bible quoting, beseeching, and preaching. They told me to have an open heart. The blonde told me that she had been a drunkard and that she had been “saved” from being a “drunk, beauty obsessed ditz by the power of Jesus Christ.” I saw no evidence of her rescue by Jesus from being a “beauty obsessed ditz.” Eventually, came the end of the half-hour much more quickly for you than for me. I thanked them very much for trying “to save” me. More mumbling and denials followed. I explained, “I understand that you think that I am damned. I have appreciated you sharing your wisdom. At the very least, I should be allowed to do the same.” At this point, Blondie seemed to have had lost her nerve.

Previously, she would look straight into my eyes as she was talking to me. I had quiet enjoyed staring right back into those huge pupils with an over earnest expression. By the way, huge pupils indicate Valium abuse. However, by now, she had sensed that she was being preached to by the Devil and that she needed to protect her “cute, little mind” from my poisonous words. She seemed to stare into space. She looked longingly at the lobby as if she wished to be in it. I told her that I believed in the One and only God who was omnipotent, and One, not three, who had the power to forgive me without slaughtering himself on the cross. I told Blondie specifically that I did not expect her to lower her guard to which she said “No.” Indeed, she was …hmm….strong-willed AND beautiful. I told them that I would do them a favor by thinking about what they had said. In exchange, I asked them to listen to me with an open heart and mind. I also asked if I could recommend some books to them to improve their arguments for future sessions.

I gave them two or three book references. I even gave them my email address in case they could not find the texts so that I could provide them for free. Wanting to make acceptance of my books seem more realistic, the brunette asked if she could also send me questions. “Of course. O course.” They were both surprised at my parting ramble and were eager to go. The blonde was quite quiet and probably thought that I was giving my email for other reasons. I thanked them again and told them I appreciated them trying to save me. I needed to hear them break out in frenzied mumbling again. I love power. I told them that if they needed any further information I would be happy to recommend more texts if they asked. As they left, the brunette nicely pointed out that my pasta was probably cold. My heart sank. I looked at my plate and quickly sampled the contents, only to discover all was lost.

Lessons learned:
1. The Church is a master of MARKETING! They will recruit cute girls to preach to lonely male losers. This is low, immoral, and wrong. As a result, I got a half-hour of pseudo-sincere attention from Blondie. Well, maybe the marketing cannot be that bad.
1.5. This also makes me a lonely male loser 🙁

2. Missionaries go to Bangladesh to “learn about Islam” and “prey upon villagers who know little about their own faith.” The brunette has traveled to Bangladesh to “learn about Islam.” They also convert horny Pakis. These attractive women stop being nice as soon as the job is done. Consequently, they leave Pakis with neither faith nor blonde! What kind of a Muslim would be “friends” with a missionary blonde anyway? Well at least his departure from Islam is not an insult to Islam. I wish the Christians good luck with the guy. He will NEVER “get the girl”, but he could have gotten paradise, oops, there goes that one too!

3. Beautiful missionary girls will not call or e-mail you back. Bitter sniffling, especially if you know what they say is fake. It just breaks my heart that…. *sigh*

4. I was not as big a pushover as they thought. I was bigger. I should have refused and eaten my pasta while it was hot. Dear guys, do you know what is under the nails of a blonde missionary? Always protect your food! They are NOT acting cute because you are hot. Don’t you EVER look in the mirror?

I hope you all will guard your faith.

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